I’m just not a strong person

Apparently I’m less ok than I thought I was. I feel like my brain is a war zone. Last night I had a breakdown. I was tired and had had a really upsetting day in terms of professional stuff. Then I started thinking about Mike and the girl he’s seeing, J. He confirmed that he’s going to see her again, so it looks like this will be a regular thing I’m going to have to adjust to. But that information on top of everything else was apparently too much.
At first, all seemed ok. I fell asleep while he was reading in bed. Then he got up to use the computer in the next room and I woke up and he had gone and I just sort of lost it. I was sobbing and felt panicky: my whole response was just completely out of proportion. Eventually he heard me moving around and came in. I think at first he was mad at me because it is pretty unreasonable to cry over that. But then eventually he realized I was just depressed and having a mental breakdown over everything and he held me and talked to me. I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom in between classes today.
I know I should just try to get through one day at a time, but thinking short-term like that makes me feel sad and like my life is terrible, but thinking of the future, with so much professional uncertainty and relationship stuff to get through fills me with panic.
The thing about Mike seeing someone new is, I don’t know if I’m upset because of the particular circumstances of my life right now or because I had just deluded myself into thinking I was OK with this.
Before he started seeing her I was already feeling deprived. I don’t get enough time with him. We don’t have enough sex (my last long spell of bad depression dampened both of our sex drives. I was just starting to feel like we were beginning to come out of it). And it’s so fucking scary that now I’m going to have even less of it because he’s going to siphon some of that time and energy and libido towards someone else. I feel like I’m being asked to share my food while I’m starving to death.
I’m confused. Because part of me feels like if I liked my job and was generally happy and if Mike and I were spending most evenings and the whole weekend together and having plenty of sex, maybe I’d be fine with this. I’m sure I’d still have feelings to work through, but I would be ok and I’d enjoy getting some time to myself and I wouldn’t resent it. But I’ve never been in that place when Mike has had other partners, so maybe I’m just fooling myself. Maybe I actually just really suck at this. I can add it to my gigantic list of Things Beth Sucks At (it will go right in between remembering birthdays and finding a job that doesn’t give me panic attacks).
But the things I’m worried about and jealous of are different from before. I don’t think he will directly leave me for her. Instead I worry that in an economy of sacristy we are redirecting resources away from our relationship and it will eventually wither away.
I feel so discouraged. I feel like I work so hard at being the person I want and having the life I want and nothing changes. I mean, this blog post is something I could have written two years ago. A financial allegory seems apt. Happiness is money and depression is being swamped with credit card payments and student loans. And I’ve been really good and paying down my debt and then bam! I have an accident and now I owe the hospital $20,000. I can’t get ahead.
I wish I could end this with some nice sentiment about how I’ll be fine or what I’ve learned and what I can do better in the future. But I’m just so tired and worn down and I just needed to get the poison out so I can sleep later.


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