Trying to figure out yesterday

I really want to process my emotions from last night, but I’m just so tired. I slept intermittently for the first part of last night with the help of anxiety medication. Then Mike came home. I was pretty woozy from the drugs, but I remember telling him pirate jokes (What’s a pirate’s favorite crime? Piracy, duh) and eating peanut butter crackers in bed. Then I slept soundly but woke up earlier than I would have liked. I had a rough day: More school frustrations and a lot of work.

Throughout the day I wrote a few notes to myself on my phone, so I’ll just copy them here and then add some final thoughts.

Looking back on last night, I wasn’t really very jealous at all in the sense that I’m used to. There was no fear that he’d leave me, no feelings of bitterness or abandonment. I was just lonely and very anxious. The loneliness I understand, but why the anxiety?

The trouble is, in the past when Mike slept with someone else, I’d get so anxious that it drained all my energy and coming down left me depressed. I can’t tell if that’s the case now or if I just feel this way because I’m tired and it’s Monday. I don’t have a lot of intrusive thoughts about it like I used to the day after. But it’d be one thing if this had happened on a Thursday or something and today I could be like “whatever, I just have to get through today and then I can relax and spend time with him.” But instead it’s a Monday and I feel tried and shitty and I have to go the whole week seeing him very little and then the weekend will come and he will go out of town and I have to do it all over again. It’s all just contributing to my general feelings of hopelessness.

So that’s what I wrote in the morning. It sounds pretty sad, but to be fair it’s pretty well in line with how I usually feel on Monday mornings regardless of Mike. I mostly just regret the time it causes me to lose with him. We don’t see each other as much as I’d like.  Although I do have to admit that it’s a little grating that the day after he sleeps with this girl she gets to see him at work and I get maybe 40 minutes before bed to hang out. I shouldn’t think about that, though. Mike and I also met at work, and that way lies madness. Later I thought a little more about it and tried to remind myself why I do this.

Remember that what makes you special to him is the love you share, not any physical act or acts. Remember that he’s a person and you don’t own him: He gets to have a life outside of you and that’s healthy and will make him happy, which will make you happier. Remember how special it is that he is free to sleep with whomever he wants and he still chooses to come back to you every time. I guess the only problem is that sometimes remembering that last one makes me feel like I have to constantly audition for his love.

The thing is, I know that Mike loves me and that he’s chosen me and doesn’t plan to change his mind. I really shouldn’t feel that way. But sometimes I do feel like I have to try extra hard to impress him and be a good girlfriend so he will still want to come home to me. In a way, I suppose it’s a good thing to not take your partner for granted and to keep making an effort to keep them happy. And I think my behavior towards him is in line with that. But in terms of what goes on inside my head, I think I’m suffering from flawed thinking. I shouldn’t feel insecure or like Mike’s affection is dependent on me acting like some perfect, easygoing, sexy ideal of womanhood.

The problem, as it usually is with me, is figuring out the difference between knowing I should feel a certain way and actually feeling it. The good news is I have therapy on Wednesday, so I guess that’s just one more thing to remember to talk about in my appointment.

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