This again

For a long time now, I’ve been sort of intermittently playing with a friend and Mike has not been seeing anyone but me. So for a while, I would have the occasional passing thought that it’d be nice for him to have a new fuck buddy. Then I started having some major issues with work and school and for the past several weeks I’ve been feeling very stressed and overwhelmed. Mike has been a big support, and non-monogamy just hasn’t been on my mind at all. Then recently he’s been getting closer to a friend from work. Last week he got drinks with her. I was more or less OK, but fairly anxious, and it was hard to sleep without him tucking me in.
Then today I was feeling sort of meh. I talked to my sister on the phone, and recounting all of my professional struggles just made me dwell on them and upset me. I was dreading my Monday and slogging through homework.
Then Mike let me know that he’s going over to his work friend’s place tonight to watch TV and potentially (probably? definitely?) hook up. It’s sort of OK. I know that Mike loves me and isn’t looking to replace me. Part of me feels a little worried that he’ll think she’s sexier than me, but really that’s not too relevant. For one thing, I’ve always been a bit self-conscious of my body and that’s been worse lately. For another, he sees other women out and about all the time; sleeping with one won’t actually change anything about how he perceives me or them. In the past my therapist has suggested that if I know there’s a hard time in my life when it would be unduly difficult for me to deal with added stress, I can ask Mike to avoid scheduling dates during that time. But right now I don’t see my situation even beginning to improve until August, and it probably won’t be significantly better until December at the earliest. So that would be pretty unfair to the two of them and I’m just not willing to be that person. I think that in the long run it will be better for me to just face this, anyway.
I’m mostly just a very tender combination of sad and anxious right now. I’m so used to snatching an hour with him before I go to bed, and it’s hard to give that up for even one night when everything else in my life is so unsatisfying. Also, he’s part of my nightly routine and it makes it hard to sleep when he’s gone. That’s where the anxiety comes in. I’m used to him being with someone else being scary, so I have an automatic anxiety response to it. And those things combined make me worry that I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I have an early morning tomorrow and a long work day, followed by a potluck with friends. I absolutely cannot miss work, but I suppose I could stay home from the potluck if I’m really tired. I took half a Xanax when I found out and I’ll take another before bed. Maybe that will help me sleep and I’ll wake up and be able to function at work. Tonight I think I’ll shower and shave and lay out an outfit for tomorrow so I can sleep as late as possible.
I’m actually feeling better than I would have expected. Just really fragile. It will probably get worse right before bed, so I’ll medicate myself and turn in early and hope that I can scrape by enough sleep. In the meantime, I made myself my favorite tea (decaf Irish breakfast with cream and sugar) and I microwaved my fanciest frozen meal because I already cooked for the potluck tomorrow and didn’t feel like making something else. I finished all the work I have to do today, but if I need a distraction later I can do more. I’m watching a familiar, comforting show on Netflix and if I can focus enough I’m reading a really good book on English history. I owe a long-distance friend a long email. I’m just trying to be nice to myself and let myself feel sadder than I logically should. At this point I’ll be pissed if I go through all this trouble and he doesn’t end up hooking up with her lol.

 

**UPDATE** This is pretty stupid, but my outside partner and I sometimes put a show on Netflix at the same time and text each other while we watch it. We were going to have a synchronized West Wing viewing tonight, but his plans changed and he had to cancel it. It’s a super minor thing and I don’t actually mind, but I guess being sort of temporarily passed over by a second guy in the same night made me feel sort of shitty. It raised my anxiety a bit. I’m hoping another cup of tea will calm me down.

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