Yesterday was a good day. It was the type of day that makes you optimistic for your future and content with your present.
I played with dogs and saw friends. In the afternoon another friend came over and drank tea and caught up. It was great. She’s poly, and we talked about both our relationships and futures and plans. It was a lot of fun and really clarified some things for me.
When Mike got home, we talked for a long time about money of all things. But seeing our similar desires and beliefs was really nice. It made me feel less worried about my financial future. Usually things like that make me anxious, but it didn’t. It really reminded me why I fell in love with him. After that we had sex and then ate Italian ice and watched Futurama. I went to bed feeling soothed and happy. I felt like things in my life are better than I’ve been thinking they are.
I’m feeling a bit better about all the stuff I wrote about in my last post. I analyzed a bit what appeals to me about moving towards a more poly model of relationships, and I think I can get all or almost all of that without other romantic relationships. I want to sleep with people I trust and feel comfortable with, people who are part of my life and not just an aside. I think I can do that by choosing partners more carefully. I need to sleep with actual friends and not sort-of friends or attractive potential friends. I also want to try to stick with people who are also non-monogamous because I think they will be more likely to stick around and want similar things I want.
I’m a bit worried about my mood though. I’m not sure if it’s PMS or depression, but I’ve had a lot of mood swings lately. I get irritable with Mike or I’ll be happy one minute and pissy the next. It’s really unpleasant for both of us. I’m trying to eat well and stay physically healthy and hoping that will help.
Overall, though, I feel like I spend more time happy than depressed or anxious. I re-started a hobby that I haven’t had time for lately. I’m being social. Mike and I are spending quality time together. I just feel frustrated because that level of happiness takes a lot of work and conscious balancing of productivity and leisure and emotional processing.
I’ve been feeling confused about non-monogamy. Mike and I have been in an open relationship forever. But casual sex is no longer something I’m comfortable with for myself. I don’t want monogamy, but I also need to be able to sleep with people I know and trust and can hang out with when we’re not having sex. I don’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t have my back. That makes things complicated, though. Mike’s not comfortable with the idea of me having romantic relationships with other people, and I can completely understand that. But where does that leave us?
I suppose it means that I can have longer-term friends with benefits with an emphasis on the friend. But that’s what I’ve always been looking for and, while I have one of those now, I don’t know how long it will last due to some upheaval in his life, and it’s taken me about three years to find this situation in the first place.
I think after this ends, I’ll probably just hang back and focus on platonic friendships and my relationship with Mike. I still value non-monogamy, but after things end with my current FWB, I’m not sure if there’s another situation out there that I’ll be that comfortable with for a while.
I know this has been a bit of a whiny post. I know I’m very lucky overall. But sometimes I feel like I’m in a nether region where I can’t identify with any type of non-monogamy and it’s a bit frustrating in terms of finding partners and getting people to understand you.