Shut up, brain

I over think things a lot. Sometimes when I try to communicate I get anxious and think about all my word choices too hard and do I let there be an uncomfortable silence after or do I change the subject abruptly or what? I’m an awkward person.

Today I hung out with that friend I’ve been seeing sexually. We just hung out for an hour and chatted and I pet his cats. No big deal. Then later tonight he texted me and asked if I wanted to watch a TV show tomorrow at his place and I said yes because I like the show and want to be more social and I enjoy this dude’s company.

But then I started to worry that if I hang out with him two days in a row Mike will be jealous or think that I’m really serious about this guy or something and I got anxious about telling him. But the thing is, I’m not falling in love with this guy. I like him and care about him, but that’s not new. I’m seeing him two days in a row out of coincidence and because he’s my friend. And if Mike weren’t busy he’d be welcome to join us.

I wonder if I’m doing Mike a disservice by being that anxious about simple communications. He’s a reasonable person and he trusts me. There’s no reason to think he’s going to panic for no reason. It’s patronizing or demeaning or something. Maybe. I’m letting a combination of irrational fears and baggage from previous relationships complicate this one. I don’t really know what to do other than remind myself that I’m being silly and try to act like a normal human. Now I just need to figure out how normal humans act.

This isn’t a huge deal. Mike and I are doing well. We’re solid and happy and this is just a minor case of my anxiety taking a non-issue and turning it into an issue. But it would really be nice if my brain functioned normally.


ETA: I talked to Mike and, as I suspected, this was just an irrational fear. He was never upset about it and was very supportive of me going out and being social.


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