Last night I stayed up late. Mike was running a Dungeons and Dragons game with some friends and so he came home late. I have trouble sleeping when he doesn’t tuck me in, so I waited up. Even though it impacted my schedule a little bit, I was happy that Mike got to do it. Not only did I enjoy the time to myself, but I was really happy for Mike that he got to go have fun. He’d been looking forward to it and he likes to be social and this type of thing is fun for him. I was happy that he was happy.
But then it occurred to me. How I felt about Mike’s D&D session was not significantly different from how I felt the other week when Mike did a demo rope and wax scene with a girl in front of her friends. I missed him, sure, but I was glad he was getting to go have fun and do stuff. At the time I didn’t think about it, but if I’m not mistaken, that’s a pretty textbook case of compersion.
I’m feeling really pleased with myself. I’d always thought of compersion as something beyond my reach. Jealousy for me was both inevitable and all-consuming. But now I don’t feel depressed all the time and I feel more confident and secure in myself and my relationship. I guess compersion requires a solid foundation. It really does feel good. It’s so much easier to be happy for someone you love than it is to struggle and fight and feel hurt and irrationally angry.
I wish I understood better how I moved from that bad place to this good one. It’s easy to blame it on the depression. But I wonder if it’s not that simple. Being depressed really shredded my self worth and my sense of myself as a person with value. And I’ve been working really hard to rebuild myself. I’ve practiced letting go of intrusive thoughts. My relationship with Mike is great. That’s all taken effort, but at the same time I feel like it has to be more than that. Non-monogamy has been good to me lately. I’m having fun and it’s not felt like a threat to my relationship. Maybe my mental health freed my mind to be receptive to the fact that I can see other people and still love Mike the same.
This was supposed to be a happy post, but I worry it got sort of rambling and incoherent. It’s just so nice when things are smooth and easy and I’m still not used to that.