Compersion? Me?

Last night I stayed up late. Mike was running a Dungeons and Dragons game with some friends and so he came home late. I have trouble sleeping when he doesn’t tuck me in, so I waited up. Even though it impacted my schedule a little bit, I was happy that Mike got to do it. Not only did I enjoy the time to myself, but I was really happy for Mike that he got to go have fun. He’d been looking forward to it and he likes to be social and this type of thing is fun for him. I was happy that he was happy.

But then it occurred to me. How I felt about Mike’s D&D session was not significantly different from how I felt the other week when Mike did a demo rope and wax scene with a girl in front of her friends. I missed him, sure, but I was glad he was getting to go have fun and do stuff. At the time I didn’t think about it, but if I’m not mistaken, that’s a pretty textbook case of compersion.

I’m feeling really pleased with myself. I’d always thought of compersion as something beyond my reach. Jealousy for me was both inevitable and all-consuming. But now I don’t feel depressed all the time and I feel more confident and secure in myself and my relationship. I guess compersion requires a solid foundation. It really does feel good. It’s so much easier to be happy for someone you love than it is to struggle and fight and feel hurt and irrationally angry.

I wish I understood better how I moved from that bad place to this good one. It’s easy to blame it on the depression. But I wonder if it’s not that simple. Being depressed really shredded my self worth and my sense of myself as a person with value. And I’ve been working really hard to rebuild myself. I’ve practiced letting go of intrusive thoughts. My relationship with Mike is great. That’s all taken effort, but at the same time I feel like it has to be more than that. Non-monogamy has been good to me lately. I’m having fun and it’s not felt like a threat to my relationship. Maybe my mental health freed my mind to be receptive to the fact that I can see other people and still love Mike the same.

This was supposed to be a happy post, but I worry it got sort of rambling and incoherent. It’s just so nice when things are smooth and easy and I’m still not used to that.

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2 thoughts on “Compersion? Me?

  1. Rambling and incoherent is the best way to learn about yourself, I find… Stream of consciousness… It’s an amazing thing. 🙂 And the rest of us who do it, we’re probably going to have no problem following you or at least asking questions where we have problems! 🙂

    It’s really hard to feel secure in anything, including relationships (where at least half of the relationship is comprised by other human beings with feelings and brains and the capability to feel/think/act outside your sphere of control), when we’re not in a good place in our own heads. I know that when things aren’t good with my husband, I have a very hard time with my Bill. I feel like I’m not worthy, I feel like he’s not being totally honest, I feel like I’m just so complicated and need so much maintenance that he would be happier without me, etc. All of which turn out to be tosh… but yeah… I know those feels. 🙂

    It’s really fabulously awesome to be in a place where you can delight in the joy of the people you love. 🙂 I still have a hard time with it from time to time, but I think it sort of gets easier in time.

    • Thanks! I’m just blown away by how easy this is right now and I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. But at the same time, I do feel secure.

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