I think I’ve said before that I used a Dialectical Behavior Therapy workbook to help me deal with intrusive jealous thoughts when Mike slept with other people. I found some very helpful tools in there, and while I don’t rely on them as much anymore, there’s one mindfulness exercise that was always my favorite that I still use in a wide variety of situations.
The point of the exercise is to help you let go of a thought that is intrusive and persistent and that you can’t let go of. You’re supposed to visualize the thought, either as words or a picture in a peaceful nature scene and then watch them disappear. Some people imagine the thoughts as clouds floating away or leaves being scattered by the wind. I like to picture the thoughts crumbling and see the fragments being carried away by a small river or stream.
I use that one in all sorts of situations, the most obvious being when I can’t stop thinking of worst-case scenarios about non-monogamy. But I also use it just when I’m in a bad mood and can’t get a particular thought out of my head.
Mike and I had an unfortunately scheduled day today. In the afternoon, I had a play-date with the guy I’ve been seeing. Then at night Mike went over to a friend’s house to tie her up and do a rope demo for a couple of her friends. On the other hand, it felt kind of pleasantly balanced. And even though we both had our other interests and activities, it was nice because I never doubted our love and commitment.
I wasn’t really jealous about Mike’s plans at first. The friend is someone I know and like, and I know she doesn’t want to take my place. Then I thought about Mike possibly tying up her friend and felt a little jealous because I don’t know her, but it was only for a few seconds and then I talked myself out of that. I think it’s just a fear of the unknown.
Really, the hardest part about him going off to tie someone was that I missed out on some time with him on a day when I was tired and feeling affectionate. But we’ve spent a lot of time together lately and it’s been a lot of good, quality time. I think I finally understand what people mean when they say that if you are getting everything you need from the relationship, it’s easy to share your overabundance with others. Of course, a lot of the scarcity I used to feel was internal and not Mike’s fault, but now that I feel confident and secure, I’m not preoccupied with a fear of losing him and I can let him have the freedom we both value without being clingy.
Just a day after Mike and I had a talk about being more interested in group sex again and gently pursuing people we were interested in, we made plans. It’s a girl we’ve played with before who doesn’t live in our town anymore but is visiting. Mike flirted a little and now we have plans for her to come over for dinner and some spanking.
I’m excited about seeing her, both to catch up and to have some fun. And I’m also happy to have a fun experience with Mike and to be able to be excited about doing things like this again. I feel like my health and our relationship are both on a stronger footing these days and getting to do fun things with him and with our friends is like a reward for that.
Mike and I had some friends over tonight and we were talking about our sexual histories and experiences. It made me realize that a lot of our really fun group sex and threesome stories happened more than a year or two ago. We talked about that as we walked the dog and we both want to have more experiences like that. Part of why we stopped was my jealousy and all the turmoil that it caused in our relationship. But now I’m in a place where I’m excited about things like that again and we just haven’t gotten in the habit of making things like that happen. So we want to put ourselves out there again and be open to those experiences and invite people we like into our home more and see what happens. It used to be a really cool way of having fun with friends and getting closer with people in our lives, and I hope that it will be again.
I’m Jewish, but Mike was raised Christian and my dad was too, so I sort of celebrate it in a limited way on behalf of the gentiles in my life. And this holiday season has been a good one. We spent Thanksgiving and the first part of Chanukkah with my family. Then before Christmas we visited his family and did a big gift exchange and Christmas party.
Now I’m home with my dog and my boyfriend and a bad cold. Aside from the sniffles, I’m feeling pretty good. I made us a big brunch this morning and then spent the rest of the day relaxing and recuperating. Mike has been cuddling with me and braving my germs. I even have a few friends coming over in a few minutes who need to escape from their families.
I feel relaxed and surrounded by love.
I had a little jealousy this week, but I attribute it to finals stress. Mike had plans to fire cup someone at a fetish party. Ordinarily it would be no big deal and I’d be fine, and if it had been private plans I might have felt different, but I was feeling stressed and vulnerable so the thought of watching him play with someone else was really stressful for me. I had been feeling insecure because I was depressed all week and misinterpreting Mike’s general tiredness as him not wanting to be around me. It was just a confluence of minor things that made me feel jealous, and I’m hoping that this isn’t how things are going to be again.
I hung out with my own outside partner today and had a good time. Coming home to Mike after seeing someone else is always nice. I have fun, but then I am glad to see him. He’s still the person I want to live with and spend my life with, and being reminded that non-monogamy doesn’t change that is always good for me. That’s a point I’ve made before on this blog, but it’s something that I always notice.