Last night while walking the dog together, Mike and my conversation meandered onto the topic of my depression. It was the first time we’ve really talked much about it since it’s been in remission. It was a little hard to remind myself just how bad things had been, but it also really highlighted how well I’m doing now by comparison. I’m not happy all the time, but I’m able to be happy. And even when I’m not happy it’s not as bad.
Mike said that, when my depression was at its worst, he had hoped that the one thing I took from it would be a greater security with the fact that he loves me and wants to be with me. And I have. I think part of that was emerging from the depression and realizing that he had stuck by me the whole time and done his very best to support me. Another part of it was having time without other partners to sort of relax and re-set my brain. We had tried that once before, but it didn’t work when I was depressed. Once I felt better, my mind was in a place where I could actually process everything and make use of that time. Since then, I’ve been very secure and happy with my/our choice to be non-monogamous again.
I just feel incredibly lucky that I’m at this place in my life right now. I feel so much better about myself and my situation (not just in terms of Mike and non-monogamy, but also in terms of work and school and friends).