Yeah, I’m kind of a badass

When Mike and I first decided to be monogomish for a while, I was determined to spend that time thinking and pondering and philosophizing until I was the most confident, least monogamous person ever. But then, for a long time, I didn’t. I’ve had a lot of other things going on, some good and some bad, and I just needed a break from thinking about jealousy and insecurity. Instead I focused a lot on other aspects of my life and making myself happier in general.

Apparently giving myself some time to be a healthier person without worrying about my old fears and hang-ups was exactly what I needed.

Last week, we had a few friends over. I happened to be having some neck/back/shoulder problems, so I was pretty drugged up and spent the evening sitting on the couch with a supportive neck pillow. But I was glad to have company, because I’d been feeling pretty bored. Everyone started playing a sort of kinky-type game, but I couldn’t participate because I couldn’t move much. At first it was fine: I became the rules arbitrator and chatted while they played. But as the night wore on, watching Mike get to do lightly kinky, pants-on play with other girls while I couldn’t participate started to feel kind of shitty. Instead of spiraling into self-pity and resentment and acting weird for the rest of the evening, I was able to talk to myself and relax a bit. I was still jealous, but it stayed at a low level where I was still more or less OK. After a little while, I started to feel like if I kept watching I would feel worse. So I told our guests that my meds were making me sleepy and I went into the bedroom and read a book on my Kindle.

After everyone went home, Mike came in and we talked. I was feeling grumpy and left out, so I was a little prickly at first, but we talked until we were on the same page. He reassured me a little and I went to bed happy. I know that all of this sounds so minor. And it really is a silly thing to worry about, like, God forbid he touches breasts that aren’t mine, but watching him flirt and touch other women in front of me would have been a much, much bigger deal just a few months ago.

This was the first time I’ve had to deal with jealousy since we reorganized things and the fact that I handled it better than I would have before made me feel optimistic that we can eventually have a successful transition back into non-monogamy. Even though parts of that evening were hard for me, I’m really glad that it happened because I woke up the next day feeling pleased with myself for my progress.

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