So for a while now I’ve been feeling pretty “meh” about new partners. I took a break for several months from people other than Mike, and then I tried to meet people. Nothing has come of that yet and I think that I hurried into it too soon. My earlier break from other people was following a couple of bad experiences and during a bout of really bad depression. I was both gun-shy and too much in my own head to really be looking for anyone else. Right now my depression is much better, but I think I’m still not really up for having other partners. I don’t know how long that feeling will last, but I think there are some things I need to work on with myself first.
I’ve had some trouble in the past finding partners who want what I want. I want a friend. Preferably a close friend. And I want sex or BDSM play or both. But I don’t want a lifelong relationship or to fall in love or to replace my primary partner. It can be hard finding that, and in the past I’ve ended up feeling a little used or uncomfortable with people who had the sex part down but not the friend part. I’ve had trouble feeling vulnerable with people and ended up feeling like I got too invested in them or been disappointed or something. But at the same time I try to err more on the side of too casual than too serious, because I am not interested in a romantic (as I define it) relationship with anyone but Mike and I would hate to feel like I had toyed with someone’s emotions.
There is one guy in my life that I’m making an exception for. He’s a close friend of both of us and he and I occasionally play with him. Because of a combination of our friendship, his personality and our existing relationship, being with him just doesn’t come with the emotional baggage I feel when I think of adding new people to my life. In fact, I had to laugh at myself because I had just decided to take a break from looking for other partners and the very next day I was making plans with him.
Mostly I just feel like I really need to work on myself before I add anything that could complicate my life. I need to make sure that I’m doing well in school. I need to exercise more and feel better about my body. I need to feel better about myself in general and work up my confidence. I need to be a better version of myself before I’m strong enough to put myself out there, and if I work on my inner self I’ll have more to offer anyway.
The good news here is that I feel fine about this. There are a lot of little self-improvement projects I have on my plate right now and I feel positive about them. I don’t really have the desire to add more partners to my life right now. I don’t feel threatened by the idea of Mike being with other people, so I don’t think I’m becoming monogamous, but I do want to really focus on him and our relationship as part of my push to improve my current life. Once I’m in a more stable place I will be back on the market again, I’m sure. But right now it would be too much for me.