Dread is overrated

Neither Mike nor I have had sexual intercourse with anyone else for several months now. I’ve had one or two somewhat sexual experiences, but Mike’s been somewhat uninterested in other people. He even canceled one or two dates. In a way it’s nice having time that’s just for the two of us (we’ve gone through times before when I felt like I never got time with him to myself, and this is definitely better), but recently I’ve started to worry. The longer I go without having to deal with jealousy, the more I dread how I will react when the monogamous stretch ends.

The thing is, I feel more secure and confident in our relationship than ever. I know Mike loves me. But the lizard part of my brain still doesn’t see why he does and thinks that any other woman he sees will be so much better than me, so much thinner and sexier and more fun, that he will wake up and leave. It’s all a self-esteem problem.

The longer I go without having to deal with jealousy, the more I can’t remember how I dealt with it in the past in successful ways. The only times that stick out in my memory are the times I’ve had a huge meltdown and made myself miserable for days. I know I’ve gotten better and that I have strategies for dealing with difficult emotions, but it just feels sort of insurmountable. But I suspect that’s all down to poor self-esteem too. Maybe I’m stronger than I’m giving myself credit for.

I want to end this post on a happy note, but I’m feeling sort of anxious and vulnerable right now. But I think that if I keep calm and follow all the strategies I’ve planned for, I can get through it when Mike starts seeing other people again. And the most important thing is to not lash out at Mike, which I’ve had problems with in the past before I learned to channel my pain better. I’ll just read my In Case of Emergency note and I’ll distract myself and practice being OK. And if I really need help, I can ask him to comfort me after. I’ll try to be fine.

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